I'm very excited again this week to join a talented group of women bloggers in an online, unedited flash mob free write. This week, the word-prompt given to us by our fearless leader Kate Motaung (whose wonderful blog can be found at katemotaung.com) is "first". My timer is set for 5 minutes; ready, set,
"See ye first the kingdom of God" comes to mind, as well as the phrase "put first things first"; of course, for Christians, the two are linked, maybe even the same.
My mind flits to the idea, the one we're all so familiar with, that it's so hard sometimes to really put first what should be put first. So many fires need to be put out, so many things demand our attention, we live on autopilot so often . . . we don't have time to stop and "put" anything anywhere.
But lurking below those thoughts, those very "right" and virtuous sentiments, there lies a much less noble one. It's one I imagine flits across the minds of many people from time to time . . . maybe even pretty frequently.
We don't say it out loud. Heck, I'm even a bit embarrassed to acknowledge it to myself, and here I am, about to share it with anyone who stops by and reads this entry.
Sometimes I long to be first in someone's life again.
Now before you consider writing a gentle comment reminding me that I am cherished by God, let me assure you that I know that. But sometimes, human that I am, I want to be first to another human
I used to be first. For much of my life, I was first or tied for first.
As a child, I felt like I was tied for first with my sister.
As a new bride, I felt like was first with my husband.
When my children were small, I was tied for first with their father.
Being first is really nice. The people to whom you are first spend as much time as possible with you, they express their love with hugs and kisses and snuggles on the couch, they take care of you when you're sick, they make an effort to be a part of your life. They come to you for advice because they admire and respect and love you.
I'm not first anymore. My children are grown and have appropriate "firsts", and that is as it should be.
So, selfish as it sounds, I try to treat myself as a first. I treat myself to a manicure or a big bowl of hot buttered popcorn and a movie, for example. Don't tell my kids, but for New Years' Eve, I bought a box of Ding Dongs. I hadn't had one in several years, but I not only bought a box, but I ate 3 of them in one day!
Will I ever be first to someone here on earth again? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. But I'm not going to worry about that. Instead
Well, time's up!